Dear Nanay,

It’s the second Sunday of May once again. Another Mothers’ day without you. In fact, this is the 30th Mothers’ day without you around. Oh, what I would give up just to have you again!

I missed those simple days when I would scrimp up my leftover allowance just so I can afford to buy you a card. Tatay always pointed out that it was also your money spent on that card. However, no matter how cheap it was, you wholeheartedly appreciated it.

You and Tatay raised us in a very simple lifestyle. More so, you inculcated in us early on that we should always live within our means. That was the point Tatay was making about spending the money on the card. Practical as he was, he thought that it was better spent on something more useful than a card.

Nevertheless, you knew the difference between extravagance and simple pleasures in life such as a Mothers’ day card. I remembered that from that day on, I resolved to just make you a handmade one instead. After all, you advocated for me to pursue drafting as a major in high school. That was much to the chagrin of Tatay who wanted me to take up Food Trade instead because I am a girl.

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Earlier Sacrifices of Nanay for her Siblings

You just never knew, or maybe I didn’t verbalize enough how much I admired you both as a daughter to your parents and as the oldest sister to your 10 siblings. How did you do it, Nanay?

I meant you and Tito Vic went to Borneo to help out and augment Lolo’s and Lola’s income to support the growing needs of the family. I admired how you both set an example to your siblings about the importance of paying it forward. You helped send the older ones to school just so they can also do the same to the younger ones. That process was repeated so many times over until all 11 of you finished college and each led your own lives and families.

I mentioned in my earlier blog post that you wanted to be a nurse but it was a very expensive course and still is, by the way. Nevertheless, you thrived on your Bachelor of Science in Commerce degree with a major in Banking and Finance. Woe to me that I didn’t take to heart your many advice about handling money!

Life as a Family of Five

You and Tatay were married for 24 years before your untimely demise. We benefitted so much from your financial smarts despite the challenges that came along our way. A teacher’s and a disbursing officer’s salaries were not much, yet you made do with what we had. Sure, we had difficulties, but I, as a daughter never felt burdened about where will my next tuition payment come from. Nanay, you just made everything feel easy and manageable!

People used to tell me that I was an expensive child. You had me in your mid-30s and I was stubborn not to be born naturally. I demanded to enter the world via the most expensive way – through a Cesarean section. Actually, all three of us were expensive kids, if things are looked at from that perspective.

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Expectations versus Reality

Growing up, we never had the luxuries our other contemporaries had. I remembered back in first grade when I would borrow the Donkey Kong Game and Watch of our childhood friend’s. I asked her how come she had that electronic toy. She told me that her dad (who was a ship captain at that time) gifted her with that game because all of her grades were in the 80s. For those who are confused, our passing grade is 75. Everything above that is considered a good grade.

Excitedly, I looked at my report card and I had all 90 and above as grades. I was so happy to show that to you, Nanay, and also Tatay, proudly saying that maybe you can also get me that game because I had really good grades. I was a kid, so I never really had the concept of how much money buying it did entail during those times in the early 1980s.

Words to Live By

I could never forget what you both told me:

There are some kids who are born in better financial situations than you. That is why their parents can afford buying them expensive toys. If you want to buy nice things for yourselves in the future, then you should strive hard. Do good in school so that you can land a good job, and buy whatever you want. You don’t depend on others to make things happen for you. You do it for yourself!

Accompanying those “words of wisdom” was a gift: a dictionary! I was baffled at first. I asked myself how did I get a dictionary when I asked for an electronic game? But, I shook that bewilderment and decided that I will make use of that dictionary as much as I can. After all, if it was from you and Tatay, it must be for my benefit, right?

That started my lifelong love affair with the written word!

Nanay and Her Battle with Heart Disease

I was still in high school when you and Tatay went to Manila. Little did we know that you were already diagnosed with Rheumatic Heart Disease due to a decades-old bout with Rheumatic Fever. You had mitral valve regurgitation among other things. In a nutshell, your heart was weakening by the day, not being able to pump blood effectively.

Maybe, you and Tatay didn’t want to burden us with the truth. We know that something was amiss but we didn’t know the extent of it. You spared us by shielding us from the truth and what to anticipate next. The next thing we knew, you were advised to submit for a mitral valve porcine replacement, but you didn’t agree to have the procedure. You and Tatay famously declared that:

If we can raise money for the heart operation and there is no guarantee for a 100% success, then we might as well spend it for our children’s education.

The rest, as they say, is history.

My Reflections on That Fact

For the longest time, I have always been thankful that you got to see me graduate with high honors in nursing school. At the back of my mind, though, I carry with me that supreme burden of making sure that my brothers also get to finish school so that they, too, can land good jobs and live the lives they choose. 

Whenever problems arise, I can literally see your dying face beg me:

Make sure that your brothers are well taken care of. Support them as much as you can.

Who am I to refuse a dying mother’s wish, much more if it was yours, Nanay? But at what cost? Up to what extent?

I am often besieged by guilt that I get to finish college with you around. Because of that, I always feel that I have that instant advantage over my brothers. So much so that I will do my best for their sake, not really thinking about my own good or even the consequence. Do people know how I have to plow two feet of snow in a blizzard just so I can work overtime to afford to send help when needed?

No!

And they don’t have to! Heck, I don’t even owe anyone an explanation!

But maybe, it is not asking for too much to be considered at times. Or just to be understood. I don’t even expect to be thanked.

Lucky you, Nanay. When you married Tatay, your obligation to your siblings stopped. You just helped on your own terms. Do I have the same privilege?

St. Vincent Ferrer is Nanay’s go-to intercessor

Prayers Heal

Don’t worry! I am just venting out to you. I don’t complain, just verbalizing. We never really had the ideal spill-out-my-gut kind of daughter and mother relationship, but when the going gets tough, you know that I always turn to you.

During times like that, I would picture you with your rosary clutched in your left hand and your novenas in the right. Yes, you and Tatay also raised us to be prayerful and God-dependent people. This situation, too, shall pass!

During trying times, I turn to prayers, not to the destructing words of others, even of families and friends. Because regardless of relationships, people talk. It is just but sad that instead of talking about things at hand with those who can help, people love to wag their tongues to the gossipers!

You and Tatay told me before that:

Daku nga hala, daku nga sala! In essence, it means, the more you speak, the more mistakes you make.

I don’t want to make that mistake, Nanay. I don’t intend to hurt others, more so my brothers and their families. If I am hurting, you know why. With that being said, I will park my pen here now (I remembered you like this line very much!). I will get up and go to mass.

There, I will shout out my concerns to an All-Knowing and All-Providing God!

Lord, I lift up to you my Nanay and Tatay. Please continue to grant them eternal repose in Your Heavenly Kingdom. I pray for Your Wisdom, Strength, and Guidance during the difficult moments of our lives. Amen!

Not a day passes by that you are not missed nor loved. Thank you for everything!

Much love,

Inday